I think we’re getting the whole video chatting thing down pat now—originally it was hard to talk because we were both too busy being all smiley and shy, getting to see each other and all.  We still do that though, probably me a little more often but what can I say…girl takes my breath away when I stop to truly take her in.  Every time.

So yeah, conversation wasn’t exactly flowing because of that originally.  Now we seem to have it going fairly well, and our own little routines.  Her filing her nails, me fidgeting or checking something on one computer while talking.  When you write it down like that it sounds silly, but it feels more like we’re in the same room together doing things and talking.  I love it.  Phone is good to for deeper conversations, sure, but I like the mix.

One of the things we do, I guess our “couple quirk” we have (doesn’t every  couple have something that’s very them?) is we’ll joke with things we both know (ideally) are absolutely absurd.  She’ll say she doesn’t even like me, and I’ll tell her she’s ugly.  I can only imagine what a passerby would think hearing us, maybe they’d pick up on the love riding along the waves of our words and know we were being silly?  More likely they’d be shocked and confused.  Definitely haven’t gone so far as to post a joke like that on Facebook between one another!

Warm feelings, big happy smile right now.  Listening to a John Mayer song Heather had me put on a CD for her while I was back in Wisconsin, “Comfortable,” which just fits the mood perfectly.  Though I have no clue if the lyrics do, I kinda have a bad habit of liking a song for it’s feeling instead of it’s message.  Perfect example?  “No Way” by The Naked & Famous…song makes me feel like I’m in a dream, always think of sitting in a movie theatre with Heather and how excited I am to be beside her.  Her voice whispering things, her hand touching mine, mine on her leg.  Reflection of the movie screen in her eyes.  A kiss.  I love the build up and explosion of sound in the song, it’s a mix of romantic feelings and sexual energy to me.

Lyrics?  The song’s about breaking up, basically.  Or a one night stand.  Something like that.  Two people hooking up and then not being able to stay together.  Irony, right there.

On a completely unrelated side note from all of this…more a mention for memory’s sake…I was moved off of the Dark Millennium Online team (Warhammer 40K MMO I’m working on at Vigil Games) and onto helping wrap up work on Darksiders 2!  I’m pretty excited about that for a whole slew of reasons, two of which being that it’s a pretty major AAA title I get to add to my resume, and that I’ll be directly working alongside the VFX team as a whole for awhile to get that game as polished and beautiful as we can.  I thrive off of challenges like that, it really gives me a sense of purpose or drive that I can take advantage of.

Alright…need my sleep!  G’night.

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Where to start?  How about New Year resolutions.  I set three goals for myself it seems (I actually had to re-read the “My 2010” blog entry to remind myself.  I knew weight was one, didn’t realize I’d set getting a promotion and seeing 6 shows as the goals for this year. 

I hit my weight goal as far as I’m concerned…I think I said I was hoping for 220 and was 257 at the time, and I’m currently 222 so I’m plenty happy with that one.  I haven’t felt this great in years, and even recently started actually going to the gym (thanks to a not-so-little push that I needed from Heather).  I look forward to going in to work out now, almost kinda crave the natural high.

I guess I got a raise…I am far better off financially than I was in 2011.  I didn’t quite get the raise or promotion I’d been hoping for in the literal sense, unfortunately I ended up having to move on from Red Fly Studio in order to get that.  I was really sad to move on from there, and truth be told fairly bitter at the same time.  I’m still not 100% certain as to where that anger is pointed towards for me, though I am pretty sure it’s a mixture of being upset with myself for not realizing earlier things wouldn’t change and the non-compatible goals the studio had versus what I wanted.  Blessing in disguise in many ways though, so far I love working at Vigil and have been almost humbled by the level of support they provide for their developers there.  It’s a real rush working with multiple Visual Effects artists that are all extremely talented.

As for seeing 6 live music shows…I’m pretty sure I saw a lot more than that.  Though I can’t count them all, heheh.  Soldier Thread I remember as standing out, smaller group from Austin that was amazing.  Two Door Cinema Club.  Sarah Jaffe was phenomenal.  Missed out on seeing Mumford & Sons a second time, was pissed I couldn’t get those tickets.  Few odds and ends, other live performances.  Nothing huge big-name, all lower key and fairly intimate.

So…goals I was three for three!

Dating was a bit rougher a road for 2011.  I slowed down the pace that I was going out to meet people, got into a couple of relationships that lasted a couple of months each.  Was too hard on myself.  Subconsciously I knew what I wanted, but trying to figure that out was a lesson in frustration for me.  I felt like I was being too picky, and then putting myself in bad situations purely for the reason of thinking things would change or just “get better.”

I ended up becoming jaded halfway through the year from it.  I had a bunch of different theories as to why I wasn’t meeting the right person, but they all revolved around “reality” being that what I wanted simply didn’t exist.  Women my age in the dating scene were far different from when I’d dated in my twenties, I told myself, and I was just going to have to learn to adapt to that.  I was going to have to settle, I guess.  Yeah, that’s kinda how it felt…like I had to settle, because I wasn’t really settling when the idea in my head was little more than a fantasy.  There was no sweet girl out there that was kind by nature, that was considerate and thoughtful to a point where I felt challenged to do more and more for her.  No natural fit for cuddling, it was always going to feel a little out of place.  I was going to hate phone conversations that lasted more than thirty minutes, and would constantly be annoyed by the long silences.  I’d be attracted to them, but really only at certain times and not so much at other times…which was what most normal people in normal relationships thought, right?  I’d laugh sometimes, maybe get them to laugh sometimes.  I was always going to be the non-drinker because every damn girl was a drinker.  Lots smoked but said they didn’t since it’s only a few a week…which is smoking, dammit.  All freaking vegetarians (no offense to the herbivores out there…just got old that everyone I met was a veggie).

What’s hilarious about this to me is that exactly when I came to truly believe all of this…my biggest low point, where I’d just thrown my hands up and said “fuck you” to the dating world and figured I’d just end up being eternally single…I meet Heather.  I mean how absolutely cliché can you get, when you fit the “it’ll happen when you’re not looking” to perfection.  Maybe that’s what fate was waiting for with me, who knows…break me down, wait until I give up meeting anyone and then let our paths finally cross.  Well, at least where I’m aware of it.

The best thing that could have happened to me was that one August day when my friend Sarah sent me that message at work…”I think you would really hit it off with Heather…”  Sarah, you rocked my world that day in the best possible way.

Words really do no justice to how I feel about Heather, or the effect that she’s had—and will continue to have—on my life.  She’s the color in my world, that’s the best way I can put it.  She’s proof that things like gold at the end of a rainbow or unicorns or fat little Cupid exist, because somehow in the fantastical reaches of my mind the woman I’d dreamt of my entire life was actually out there.  I want to be my best when I’m with her, because she deserves nothing less than that.  I haven’t laughed or cried this much with anyone before, it’s so absolutely natural and effortless and pure and good. 

It’s simple with her.  I want to spend the rest of my time on this Earth seeing her face and trying my damndest to make sure it has at least a hint of a smile on it at all times.  Someday I hope I can get her to see just a sliver of how amazing she is in my eyes.

So, here I am in 2012.  There’s a lot in store for this year.  On the one hand, it’ll be less eventful and turbulent (I think) than last year…on the other, I have a feeling it’ll be far more lifetime-event-defining and have at least a couple of dates in it I’ll remember for years to come. 

I like to think, at least.

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For me, that’s what my “room” is like.  My dark place.  I kinda picture old weather-worn wood that’s lost its color and now looks grey everywhere, barebone furniture that isn’t so much looking like it’s fresh from the dumpster as it’s been in the poor side of the family for a long, long time.  Maybe one window, rain pouring down the side of it.  Some kind of soft music, probably acoustic, is floating on the chill in the air—it’s most definitely not warm in this room.  It’s not really a scary place, though I guess it could be a sad place.  Being there and feeling deflated would be appropriate.

The scary thing to me is that sometimes when I’m in this mood, when I’m in this place, I feel like I’m seeing the world clearly.  Clearer than I do when I’m my normal self the other 90% of the time.  I actually don’t know if that’s true or not.  Part of me thinks it is, though.  Like the optimistic or hopeful way I usually see the world fades, and I just see things as black and white.  Just the facts.  Sometimes I get a lot of self reflection from this (which I actually enjoy, I like trying to better myself), other times I see things in a different light and don’t really like it.  It’s undeniable, though.

Something that’s plaguing me today is this feeling like people often want to change me.  Or want me to change for them.  Whether this is accurate or not I can’t really say—it could honestly be some kind of strange self projection where I feel like I have to change to please people and instead of acknowledging that I blame it on them.  For whatever reason though, it’s there and it’s sometimes frustrating.  I don’t typically feel like I’m just accepted as being who and what I am, and just appreciated for the complex sum of different parts that is me.

It could be more that this is just human nature, and I’m a bit of an oddball.  Or maybe it’s a male versus female thing?  I tend to like how different and unique people are (Heather can attest to how much I love all her quirks, for example), and there are some things I may like or not like but I don’t think they’re things I want to change.  Or have them change.

Then again, coming full circle on that thought…is that a bullshit thought?  It very well could be.  I wouldn’t be with someone that smoked, for example.  I love Heather with all my heart, but it’d be a deal breaker if she became a smoker.  I would want her to change that habit for me.  So is it that uncalled for that someone expect me to change a habit for them and their own happiness?  Maybe the key comes down to listing what things are really important to you, open discussion about it and then deciding if it’s more important for you to maintain your way or adapt for theirs—and who that may be a deal breaker for if it can’t.

I’m mostly rambling on here, I know.  It’s been a long time since I’ve done that though, and I have to say it sure is clearing my head.

I can get almost over-sensitized when I’m like this.  I hear my children crunching their food while eating at dinner tonight—croutons I put on their salad—and it’s like nails on a chalkboard or someone biting their fucking fork.  I cringe, I grit my teeth.  If I wasn’t feeling so passive when I’m like this I’d snap for no good reason at them, then removing myself from the equation to go chill out so they aren’t made to suffer for Dad being a grouchy bitch.  Usually a hot shower will do it, something about warming up when I feel this cold helps.

It’s funny how this works, though.  Just two days ago I was thinking about how I should make a journal entry on here about how great life is going for me, how I finally feel like—for the first time in my life—everything is falling into place.  I’ve met the woman of my dreams, someone I waited 33 years very patiently (and not so patiently) to find and knew before I even met her.  My kids are doing fantastic at life…school, friends, home.  They’re healthy, they’re loving, they’re wonderfully behaved and I just love it.  My ex-wife and I have a great relationship I’m very thankful for, and I like that we work as a team with the two little people we created.  I feel like I’ve finally stepped forward in my career, making a decent enough living to actually start bettering our lives rather than maintaining and scraping by.  The studio’s great, the people are great and I’m very lucky to be there and feel so supported by them.

Then here I am, two days later…I’m still grateful for these things, but I’m also seeing how fragile they all really are. 

Heather and I still have a long road before we’re together for good, and that scares me.  I hadn’t really thought of it before writing this, but I think my own past with trying and it not being enough comes up and worries me.  When we’re together, it’s perfect.  When we’re not, it seems like it’s harder for her which in turn then makes it harder for me as well.  The more I know her the more I love her and everything she does, and the more terrified I am that it could end and the amount of love or effort made in the relationship could have nothing to do with it. 

I worry about moving my kids to a different part of Austin and taking them away from their school and all their friends.  It’s probably going to happen and that breaks my heart a little bit.  It’ll save me a lot of time and money being closer to work (I love south Austin, but all studios are up central or north), and chances are if Heather moves here we’ll need a different place with a smarter layout inside (my house is “architectually challenged”, I like to say…no storage space, poor use of space, etc.).

And work…well, love my industry but it can be a volatile one like any other.  It’s always a fear that something happens, a game doesn’t perform well or the like and layoffs happen.  I feel confident enough in my portfolio and resume now that I know I can land a job elsewhere fairly easily, but I really like the situation I’m in now and don’t want that to end anytime soon.

Yeah, lots and lots.

At any rate, I think I got as much thinking out of this as I’m going to get so it’s end of the entry for me.  G’night.

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We know our road isn’t going to be an easy one, there’s no real simple solution when yours talking about two single parents that are 1,30o miles apart.  I think we know we’re going to get there though, I think that is where the confidence comes from…we’re going to make it work, but there’s no real alternative to not doing so.  Going our separate ways and pretending the other person isn’t out there really isn’t an option.

So much good came out of this visit that it’s hard to put it all down on here.  I really wanted to while it was fresh so I could look back at it with a smile, not really miss a beat I guess, but of course a lot of it blurs together now as I try to think of individual things.

I know one thing…I haven’t slept as good as that in a long, long time.  Sleeping beside someone is something that has always taken me a long time to get used to.  Not that I don’t like it, I just don’t normally feel—I dunno, comfortable?  At ease?  Something.  It’s not a conscious thought, but what happens is I am always laying there in bed trying to sleep and not being able to.  Yet for some reason, I fall asleep next to Heather as if I were drugged, even when I got sick the last few days of the trip (just my luck).

I’m going to miss hearing her gag while she’s brushing her teeth at night and laughing about it.  Miss getting to see her bite her lip.  Miss her songs.  Miss her voice and that silly yet somehow cute Wisconsin accent & lingo of hers, how she always has to be chewing gum and how particular she is in a restaurant about where we sit or what she orders.  She’s just this unbelievably charming and adorable ball of quirkiness that I am so completely in love with, every ounce of kindness I saw in her that first time I saw her there ten fold.  Unique and amazing.  Cute and beautiful, consistently makes me stumble on my own words when I see her face.

I’ll miss the family I got to be with there, too.  Getting to meet all of her kids was great, they were a lot of fun to talk to and I enjoyed the time I got to be around with them and the little bit of getting to know them I had.  I’ll actually miss J asking me to play a million and one games with him and seeing what a brilliant little mind he has.  I fell in love with little E, she already had herself a little soft spot in my heart from before but now she has her own big place in there with her Mom.  Heather’s big fat cat is seriously the coolest cat I’ve ever seen, I’ll miss that cat-who-thinks-he’s-a-dog.

I think it surprised us both (a partial assumption on my part) that things went so completely smooth and easy with us.  I’d almost use the word effortless to describe it.  We just click, our minds sync and work together so well.  Obviously it won’t be like that 100% of the time, but that it was for 12 days straight of being around each other speaks volumes on my part—it really isn’t unheard of for me to get irritable and need some space after just a few days when dating someone, let alone two weeks.  Loved it, want more.

There most definitely won’t be anymore 59 day breaks between when we get to see each other, that much is for certain.  Which makes this time easier I think.  Still, I feel really empty right now…the only words that I really keep coming back to that try to explain how I feel right now is like the color was sucked away from the world around me.  Heather’s exactly that in my life…the light, the color, the warmth. 

Anyhow…I’m tired and sick and need some sleep now that I’m finally on a plane homeward bound to Austin again.  G’night/day/morning.

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I can hear her singing in the shower upstairs as I write this, and one half of my heart surges and I smile and love her just that tad bit more than I did ten minutes ago when she leaned over my head to kiss me while I was sitting on the floor, which was already something that had moved the bar up from countless other steps before that.  The other half of the heart aches knowing that this isn’t permanent, that I don’t get this sense of completion or feeling “right” (for lack of a better term) every day for the foreseeable future.

It’s been amazing though, getting a taste of this regular daily life with her.  All of the little things that are far too much to get to list in here, getting to know her kids better and being especially involved with the youngest two…I’m going to miss that.

Anyway, short post for tonight. 

Got a tattoo I’ve wanted for a long time finally done today, Heather there taking pics and being generally awesome…even called it that the tattoo was transferred on at a bad angle before we’d gotten started and got it fixed (I never would have caught it—that would have sucked). 

G’night!

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